I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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