Your face is a jimmy john
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
