left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
