Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
