I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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