She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
