Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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