Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
