I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
