Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
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