That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
