Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
