We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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