I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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