I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
