I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
