fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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