Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
