is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
