girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
