I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I'm really busy with my period
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