Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
