brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
