if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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