I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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