After last night, I could never be a politician.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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