Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
