O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
