Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
