apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
