so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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