1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
