Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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