If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
