i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
