I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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