If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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