I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
