How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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