Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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