last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
