I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
