I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
