taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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