the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
