I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
