So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize