I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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