i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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