I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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