There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I don't deserve a penis
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
