Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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