You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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