so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
