the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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