Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
zippers are such a cool invention
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
