Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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