One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
