His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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