Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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