I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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