Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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