I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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